In the ninth movie Fast & Furious, they fly a car in space. They really do.
Roman and Tej track Sean Boswell, Twinkie and Earl, three Tokyo Drift characters you might not even remember, at a test facility in Germany, where they are working on the rocket installation on a Pontiac Fiero. It is unclear if this is someone’s authorized work; I imagine there’s a lot of red tape when it comes to space travel, but it doesn’t matter – the point is that Roman and Tej need to get to space and these guys can get it. there. The next thing you know, Roman and Tej are wearing old-fashioned spacesuits and traversing the stratosphere. Eventually they connect to the International Space Station… through the use of nitrous oxide.
But that’s not the most ridiculous part of F9. The most ridiculous part is not the way all the team members seem to have a degree in electromagnetism; or how they use magnets to destroy multiple cities and / or kill countless civilians; or the fact that Han’s death is explained by saying that he and Mr. Nobody invented some kind of illusion in the style of The Prestige; or the appearance of Cardi B; or how Charlize Theron’s Cipher managed to go from dreadlocks to a bowl cut while in government custody.
No. The most ridiculous part of F9 is the claim that Vin Diesel and John Cena look alike.
Cena plays Jakob Toretto, Dom’s younger brother, 100 percent by blood. (Since we’re here for other reasons, we can’t spend long wondering why the Torettos decided to use the German spelling of the name, but know that the reason is definitely because the writers think a K is scarier than a C.) The reason we’ve never heard a word about Jakob before F9 is because he was apparently involved in the accident that killed Dom’s father, the accident that Dom talks about in the original Fast and the Furious. Is a delicate topic. And the reason we hear about him now is because, after being banished from East Los Angeles as a teenager, Jakob [checks notes] became a spy working with the same kind of international bad guys that Dom’s crew has been recruiting since Fast Five. Their paths somehow never crossed before, I have to imagine that Jakob and his boys were dying to get their hands on the Eye of God in Furious 7 as it is just as nondescript and menacing as any weapon of mass destruction everyone is chasing in. F9, but they are definitely intersecting. now.
And everyone says, “Hmm, yeah. In fact, I can see that. Helen Mirren’s character even specifically mentions that their chins look alike!
My entire adult life has been based on the notion that Vin Diesel and John Cena couldn’t be brothers. It could be said that it is a fundamental belief. And so, in the face of such different arguments, I must undertake a thorough investigation into the characteristics of these two critters to determine who is really telling the truth: me, a normal person who is somehow paid to do this kind of thing, or a group of fictional street racers who may or may not be demigods. I will divide Diesel and Cena’s traits into five major categories and, from there, decide on their relational potential. It’s not exactly a DNA test, but like Sean Boswell connecting thrusters to a Pontiac, it’s the best we have. Let’s ride.
There are drastic differences in color here (which wouldn’t be disqualifying on their own), as well as drastic differences in shape, character, and openness. Vin Diesel’s eyes are completely black, a reference to his starring role in The Chronicles of Riddick: Into Pitch Black, while Cena’s are blue. Plus, cropping these photos this way really emphasizes which of these guys gets their eyebrows done. Either way, I don’t see any relationship.
Family classification: 0 of 5 Crowns
When researching whether siblings could be uniquely affected by hereditary baldness, I came across this article on a hair loss treatment website. Here’s the second sentence of the article: “As a result, there are millions of families whose older brother sports hair that Russell Brand would be proud of, while the younger brother is a bit more Vin Diesel.” First of all: yes, even in the bald community, Diesel is the quintessential example of a bald man.
But secondly, we can’t deduce much from the fact that John Cena has a little hair and Vin Diesel doesn’t. Hereditary baldness is a game of fate: some children will acquire the family gene while others will not. Even the hair loss site invokes the gods in the first line of its article. So maybe Jakob got lucky while Dom was struck with male pattern baldness in his mid-20s.
Or maybe Dom just shaves his head? Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I noticed a single strand of hair on Dominic Toretto’s entire body. Does this guy shave everywhere? When Cipher spoke about choice theory in The Fate of the Furious, was he talking about Dom’s choice of scorched earth manscaping? Let’s move on, we’re getting distracted.
Family classification: 2.5 out of 5 Crowns
This is the one we have to discuss due to the aforementioned comments from Magdalene Shaw and… yeah, I’m not really looking at it. Honestly, this is worse than eyes or hair. The chins are perhaps the best argument so far for John Cena and Vin Diesel not to look alike.
Was Maggie Shaw being sarcastic? Am I unable to feel sarcasm when he has a British accent? Am I taking all of this too seriously? (Please don’t answer that).
Family classification: 0 of 5 Crowns
The little arms
Before we dive in here, I’ll have to show you the full version of Diesel’s photo above:
Yes, that’s Vin Diesel on high-quality stilts at the 2014 UK premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy. And no, I don’t know why. I guess it’s because he’s Groot (see the shirt?), But it’s not like he had to wear stilts while filming the movie. He wasn’t even on set for the movie shoot.
But hey, let’s go back to arms. Clearly, these guys’ arms aren’t small, parts of their arms are bigger than my entire head, and it seems like John Cena wears the toy Hulk fists at all times. But whether Vin Diesel and John Cena really have small arms is not so much the point here, what matters is the fact that neither of them seem to be able to wrap their arms around their own body. Sure, other things may be contributing to that, but the end result is the appearance of tiny arms. And honestly, this is a category that makes a good argument for Diesel and Cena to actually be related, so for F9’s sake, let’s not separate it.
Family classification: 5 of 5 Crowns
The way a tank top sits on your shoulders
First of all, after Vin Diesel sees these two photos side by side, he will have written in his contract that John Cena can never be shirtless in a Fast movie. But aside from the obvious difference in muscle mass, which I’m rejecting by imagining Jakob actually hitting the gym after exile while Dom went soft from eating too many Little Brian ice cream sandwiches, I see a resemblance here! Both bodies simply ask to get under the hood of a Dodge Charger. The tank feels like home to both, which is a quality that only a few display.
Family classification: 4 of 5 Crowns
Total family rating: 11.5 of 25 Crowns
You know, I went into this trying to prove that Vin Diesel and John Cena don’t look alike at all, but I think I convinced myself. This is almost as shocking as Dominic Toretto forgetting to tell his family about his royal family. But despite having different eyes, head shapes, and chins, the two characters share some similarities, most important of all being their ability to pass the tank top test. Looks like I’ll have to find another ridiculous F9 thing to worry too much about. If only the list wasn’t so short.
Sign up for The Ringer newsletter